How to do good work (Part 7): Let myself feel dumb, clumsy and incapable of understanding

Yes ... ironic ... I know ...

One of the things I am learning to do better during my entrepreneurship journey is to allow myself to feel dumb, clumsy, and incapable in the process of understanding something.

Throughout school, I trained myself to quickly absorb knowledge and understand things efficiently. I didn't give myself permission to wander around in my thoughts or sit with not knowing. I wanted to get good grades and I could always crack a code on how to get there.

This habit has grown onto me until now, when I still sometimes feel an ick when admitting that I don’t understand sh** or when I cannot figure out the perfect solution yet. I would not allow myself space to be confused, to grapple with not understanding, to feel like I am inadequate.

Perhaps it’s ego. Perhaps it’s a hardwired pathway in my brain shaping me into a very socially directed way of learning and working.

Today, I felt a bit stuck with my understanding and capability in learning experience design.

The sad reality is that there is not really a way to crack a perfect course design. Good design requires testing iteration and building consistently with the users. Good design requires time and patience to tease out the complexity.

Today was one of the days where I felt like I was not making any progress in my design capability. I felt like I had hit a ceiling and I craved a more experienced designer to tell me all their knowledge and insights.

I wish someone could just tell me what to do and how to improve. Not having a manager or mentor makes the process of not knowing a million years longer.

Another sad reality is that I will continue not having a manager for a long time _._

Instead of pushing myself to figure it out right away, I let myself wander into the topic of learning design and saw where my thoughts took me. I started reading Henrik Karlsson’s blog on the architecture of a decentralized learning system and the glass box approach to learning in which novices and masters can learn in an open, transparent environment where the former observe and imitate the latter.¹

Did I come away with a more updated, better course design? Not really.

Did I get excited about a culture of learning that I want to cultivate in our courses? Absolutely!

Working on my own has challenged me to unlearn everything schools and organizations imprinted on me. I can allow myself to stumble, meander, and find my own path, even when it means feeling inadequate or clumsy in my thinking and feeling lost and behind all the time.

I need to remind myself that the key to doing good work is to focus on who I am serving and there is no other way to get there other than to keep learning and coevolving with the problem and the users. To keep learning means to trust the feeling of clumsiness.

The key to doing good work is to intentionally make time for my thoughts to wander and grapple with not-knowing. To see moments of confusion not as failures, but as necessary steps in the learning process.

This is the kind of learning culture I want to create: one where we give ourselves and others permission to feel clumsy and dumb sometimes. Where we don't rush to understanding, but let our minds roam around until the pieces start to fit together in their own time.

I'm still early in this journey myself, but embracing the dumbness is incredibly freeing.

1. I highly recommend Henrik’s blog if you are interested in new ways of thinking about learning systems, challenging the common educational system around us.